@JediGigi: Mom asked me what it's like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
@JediGigi: Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What's this?
Me: My Netflix password.
@JediGigi: I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I'm ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
@JediGigi: [walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I'd like to ship him this please.
@JediGigi: Me: You're such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
@JediGigi: Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
@JediGigi: Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
@JediGigi: Mom said I should only date "a good man" and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.