Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JediGigi's best tweets

@JediGigi : [a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off] Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

@JediGigi: Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

@JediGigi: Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Me: 3 dozen?

@JediGigi: The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

@JediGigi: Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

@JediGigi: Her: I'm really upset. I need some sound advice from my smart and trusted friend.
Me: [mouthful of Doritos] Who dat gonna be?

@JediGigi: [points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn't get better.

@JediGigi: Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

@JediGigi: Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

@JediGigi: Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.