@JediGigi: Her: I'm really upset. I need some sound advice from my smart and trusted friend.
Me: [mouthful of Doritos] Who dat gonna be?
@JediGigi: [points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn't get better.
@JediGigi: Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
@JediGigi: Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
@JediGigi: Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
@JediGigi: "JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!"--I scream from my swollen mouth
@JediGigi: [1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I'm someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
@JediGigi: Well, son, back in my day, we didn't have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.