Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JediGigi's best tweets

@JediGigi : *roundhouse kicks neighbor's mailbox into street* I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

@JediGigi: [1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

@JediGigi: Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

@JediGigi: [sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what's new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

@JediGigi: [a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

@JediGigi: Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

@JediGigi: Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

@JediGigi: The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

@JediGigi: Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

@JediGigi: Her: I'm really upset. I need some sound advice from my smart and trusted friend.
Me: [mouthful of Doritos] Who dat gonna be?