Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him