It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
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telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
SCARY COSTUME
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
what’s more important?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.