The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope