When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
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For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
WHY?!
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks