*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
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Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Breaking news:
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”