My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.