[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Look at this
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it