Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years