Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.