I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
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Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I have a type: disappointing
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next