Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JermHimselfish's best tweets

@JermHimselfish : *walking away from the big rap battle* "How did he know that I'm lactose intolerant?"

@JermHimselfish: The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

@JermHimselfish: Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it's day off.

@JermHimselfish: My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

@JermHimselfish: Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say "worthwild"

@JermHimselfish: *holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I've ever played

@JermHimselfish: Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

@JermHimselfish: My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that's what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

@JermHimselfish: Me: I don't know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

@JermHimselfish: I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"