Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭