Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.