“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
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me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Just ordered me some pizza!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”