Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
groan^2
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.