Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
That time Alicia messaged me
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”