The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.