Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
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My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Happy Star Wars day!
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken