[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
FRED: right
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
*weighs self after shaving
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed