*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos