My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
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I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
this chia pet tastes awful
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
what?
me after drinking all the wine:
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.