There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
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So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree