You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
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Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
When you can’t find your friend Neil
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.