Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
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Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this