Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.