🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
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Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.