girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
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Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
How high do the levels go?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up