The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.