Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
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I had to Stop for this
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
A game married people play.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Oh yeah that’s it
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
no one ever comes back
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.