They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo