Funny Tweeter

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Page of JoParkerBear's best tweets

@JoParkerBear : Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

@JoParkerBear: [in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don't wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

@JoParkerBear: MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

@JoParkerBear: "Don't ever do cocaine, son."

"Why, mommy? Is it bad for you?"

"I was going to say 'expensive,' but yeah, whatever."

@JoParkerBear: It's always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don't have a soul.

@JoParkerBear: My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won't tell me where I left my laptop charger.

@JoParkerBear: I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

@JoParkerBear: It's like my Grandma always says, "I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird."

@JoParkerBear: [panting, 5 minutes into sex] It's okay, just go on without me

@JoParkerBear: Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I'm all like, "No."
[rises from chair]