@JoParkerBear: [in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don't wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
@JoParkerBear: MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
@JoParkerBear: "Don't ever do cocaine, son."
"Why, mommy? Is it bad for you?"
"I was going to say 'expensive,' but yeah, whatever."
@JoParkerBear: It's always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don't have a soul.
@JoParkerBear: My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won't tell me where I left my laptop charger.
@JoParkerBear: I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
@JoParkerBear: It's like my Grandma always says, "I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird."
@JoParkerBear: Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I'm all like, "No."
[rises from chair]