Funny Tweeter

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Page of JoParkerBear's best tweets

@JoParkerBear : "Don't ever do cocaine, son." "Why, mommy? Is it bad for you?" "I was going to say 'expensive,' but yeah, whatever."

@JoParkerBear: It's always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don't have a soul.

@JoParkerBear: My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won't tell me where I left my laptop charger.

@JoParkerBear: I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

@JoParkerBear: It's like my Grandma always says, "I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird."

@JoParkerBear: [panting, 5 minutes into sex] It's okay, just go on without me

@JoParkerBear: Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I'm all like, "No."
[rises from chair]
NO.

@JoParkerBear: They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

@JoParkerBear: Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn't over. It's just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

@JoParkerBear: UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can't stay over