Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JoParkerBear's best tweets

@JoParkerBear : You catch more bees with honey, but I don't want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I'd want exactly zero bees.

@JoParkerBear: Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

@JoParkerBear: Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I'm not really invested.

@JoParkerBear: M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

@JoParkerBear: Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

@JoParkerBear: [in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don't wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

@JoParkerBear: MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

@JoParkerBear: "Don't ever do cocaine, son."

"Why, mommy? Is it bad for you?"

"I was going to say 'expensive,' but yeah, whatever."

@JoParkerBear: It's always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don't have a soul.

@JoParkerBear: My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won't tell me where I left my laptop charger.