Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there