Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
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If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Worst Native American name ever.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.