Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
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“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.