HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u