Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
✌🏽
Smooooooth
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.