If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.