My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
thank god
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.