Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Bringing home a sharpie
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.