Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
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I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: