BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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the clam before the storm
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.