My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
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[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY