I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
wtf management?!
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
peeping toms
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
this has done me in for some reason
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet