I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
i’m sure it’s fine
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.