“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Not messing around
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.