Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
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[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
This why you should mind your business
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I am a gravy boat captain
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I think I’ll stand
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!