Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JosesLovesYou's best tweets

@JosesLovesYou : You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

@JosesLovesYou: check if your cocaine is good, mix in vinegar. If it makes a volcano, its baking soda. If not, your drugs is ruined. Drugs are always bad.

@JosesLovesYou: Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria's Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

@JosesLovesYou: [at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

@JosesLovesYou: *barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

@JosesLovesYou: [wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube - You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa - Push It}

@JosesLovesYou: Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

@JosesLovesYou: If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.