I’M CRYINGGG
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Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.