Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
this is how life feels