My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
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Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
#math
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Wikigenius
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM