lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
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The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Somebody’s lying.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL